I remember reading through hundreds of different job requirements and job postings all over the net back a year ago this time when I was still trying to find a job. Some were very vague, some were quite short, and some were very specific and detailed. By detailed of course I mean, intimidating. By that I mean, totally ****ing impossible to qualify.
With that, I have decided to post my own personal job posting for Timmers Tidbits incorporated (formerly known as timmyblog.com) for my very first historical hire (unless you count that time in 2005 when Brandon posted to my blog, which hath since been deleted) If you meet the following requirements, please inquire within. (click read more stupid)
Timmerstidbits.com/Timmyblog.com is growing and is currently perused by an overwhelming amount of 80 people per day. Due to the overwhelming amount of traffic and my decreasing amount of free time I have decided to hire some extra help to keep these insightful blog postings and del.iciou.us bookmarkings going. With that, I have attached a few requirements as well as a description for what kind of a minion I am looking for below.
Seeking highly developer/designer with senior level experience at the highest level of competence. Must be able to work in teams, as well as on an individual basis, and in the dry desolate wastelands of your own mind (in case we’re on tour with Dio)
Should have experience that extends, but is not within the limits of the following in the level of expert or legendary (as in Halo)
- PHP/MySQL
- ASP.NET (10 years plus experience)
- HTML/CSS 1.0-3.0 +CS
- Photoshop but more importantly the entire CS line and all that flashy jazz too
- Swiss trained degree in Typography or equivalent (like you can fucking beat being trained by the Swiss!)
- Flashy McFlasherson (wicked 1337 Actionscript programming)
- BASH Scripting and experience with OSX, Windows, Ubuntu, Dos, XP, Redhat, Linux, Apache, SSL, SSI, HTTP, CGI, CF, Coldfusion, CGI (The computer graphics one this time)
- FucK!~k; (That’s a language)
- Extensive Office XP, especially with the presentation software one
- bilingual and trilingulal a plus
- C, C++ C# (C POUND!) GUI
- English speaking, grammer, punctuation. ‘n shit
- Beards and McBeerdie. (That is not a language)
- Must be down with lulz and the internet 1337 speek and pwn the n00bz
- Must have made at least one submission to the bash.org archive
- Must know that there are 10 people in the world, those who know the binary system, and those who do not
- IIS Server experience, gui point and clickie
- DIVs! Not m-fing Tables? What is this like 1997?
- No Script kiddy bullshit!
- OOP, if you don’t know what that is see “scripting kiddy” above
- Java, Javascript, Ajax (with a silent ‘j’), web 2.0, flickr, rss, api, various acronyms galore, sun, perl, oracle, looping multidimensional arrays, web optimizations, jpgs! no more gifs! **** gifs.
- E-Commerce, web marketing, SEO, SEM, use of mod_rewrite
- No blogging at work! But must have extensive experience in Wordpress, Movable Type, and Joomla/Mambo (they’re the same whiney bullshitters anyways)
- Massive boner-sized experience with CMS
- Define, “jawesome”
Job titles you may have had in the past:
- Motha ****ing zorro
- Web Master Debator
- The Jesus of web
- HTML Programmer
- Neo.
- Creepy McCreepy pants
- d queen, lezbanic queen of the nymphs (if you’ve been called this you’re in)
- Sir McWebbison Badass Killington
- Through the Fire and Flames - Expert
- That asian kid who beat Mario 3 in 12 minutes
- Not that MF-er Leroy Brown
You can cross out 15 of the above requirements if you are a smoking hot lady per a/s/l w/pics. Not shitty myspace ones either. ****ing petter-asses.
